alter g (firstyoufall) wrote in zenmasters,
alter g
firstyoufall
zenmasters

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Fic: Heartless (1/1)

Title: Heartless
Rating: PG-13 (for language)
Pairings: Jackie/Hyde
Word Count: 2,239
Disclaimer: That '70s Show is none mine. None.
Spoilers: Pretty much anything and everything. Hyde reflects back.
Summary: A few, important things Hyde just has to think about. After all, it's Jackie. She requires a lot of thought and headaches . . . And practiced zoning out.
AN: Had this for a long while and got a little nostalgic, so I decided to pimpout. Enjoy. ;)

///

i.
How could you be so cold?
As the winter wind when it breeze yo
Just remember that you talkin' to me though
You need to watch the way you talkin' to me though

Jackie knew who he was. He was Steven J. Hyde: Zen Master Extraordinaire, World's Best Government and Authority Hater, Toker Man, Dirty Ol' Hippy-To-Be. She had accepted, loved, adored these sorts of things about him. They wouldn't have gotten as far (was it far?) as they did if she hadn't. On some occasions she even told him so. She liked how gritty he was. So why, really, did she always have to expect so much?

Sometimes he sits back in his chair watching TV and thinks. Sees nothing but the tint of his glasses and the glare from the screen and thinks (he's a Thinking Man).

What would have happened if she had just given up on the dream that he'd be that man she desperately wanted? The man who invested stocks, wore a suit every minute of his life, had a dazzling talk-show smile, share her dream of having a trophy wife? Would they have made it, if she'd have finally given up?

For all the times he thinks it, he knows that's not what he wanted. He doesn't want her to give up on him. He can be a good guy. He would be any kind of good guy for her. He just couldn't be that kind of guy. That wasn't a good guy. That was a guy who would treat her wrong and be unappreciative of all the things she made him feel (she even made him think about feelings).

He hadn't felt those kinds of things before he gave himself to her. It wasn't the Steven J. Hyde he was before, but he knew himself, and she knew him. So why did she have to expect so damn much?

ii.
And now you wanna get me back and you gon' show me
So you walk around like you don't know me
You got a new friend, well I got homies
But in the end it's still so lonely

Hyde had nobly given Chip a chance on Jackie's arm and had looked on coolly at their hip-to-hip stride that Veteran's Day. He seemed of no harm and Jackie looked smug with her rocker boyfriend draped around her shoulders.

He knew then that she had not liked him. Pretty much said so herself with the statement, "Yeah, Chip's been chasing after me for a while so I said, 'what the hell?'" It was up to her who she wanted to have flings with, and at the time Hyde was just grateful for the distraction he provided for Jackie away from him. So he accepted Chip near instantly.

Kelso had not, of course. Shaking beers angrily—not pleased that she was not left in his wake pining and whining for him. He had apparently still not gotten through the mush that was his brain that she had dumped him. Hyde enjoys Kelso's distress plenty, so this development was just as much appreciated as frogging him in the arm. And so Chip was definitely welcomed for that thoughtful present.

It had been a nice day, in all. Chip had a decent taste in music so he was provided a suitable passer-by to talk to, the sky was clear and thankfully not muggy (he hated when his glasses fogged), and the beer was on tap. What more could a simple man like Hyde ask for?

So the unexpected turn of events that afternoon were . . . maybe not unpleasant. Just, well, unexpected. A big wake-up call from the way the lazy day was progressing.

Sitting there across from Jackie on Chip's lap didn't make him uncomfortable, really. Like he said, Chip was a decent guy. Any guy who shared his love for Zeppelin was fairly decent in his book. So no, he wasn't uncomfortable.

Ticked was a little more the underlying feeling. The indicating word being underlying. He tried not to feel things on the surface. It shook his Zen.

He should have expected this from her kind. She spent days upon days chasing him and clinging to him and trying to convince him just how cool she had suddenly become thanks to him. So what was she doing laughing at this fool's jokes? Sure, he was decent. But not Jackie's type. That was obvious. And plus, he knew she didn't really like him. She was trying to get to him. Or to Kelso. Get back at Kelso? He had thought of that too. He had thought of himself as a rebound. He had thought of everything.

So what exactly was he thinking when he punched the jackass out? That he would be defending her honor? What honor? She had brought a human accessory.

But how could he let anyone take advantage of her like that? Hadn't she been through enough?

Chip was a moron anyway.

iii.
How could you be so Dr. Evil?
You're bringin' out a side of me that I don't know
I decided we wasn't gonna speak so
Why we up, 3 A.M., on the phone?

He never had much to say to her. She always had enough to blab about for the both of them. At first it was just nice to tune her out and stare at her admirably-gorgeous form until she shut up and kissed him. Later on, he started to listen. He hadn't liked it. What she had to say was cruel to his ears. It all made them hurt worse and worse as she went on.

In time, he found himself contributing. Bits like, "Jackie, you're making that up. Shut up." He would then kiss her for hours. It proved effective.

He was content with that strategy for the time it lasted. It didn't last long enough.

After a while he started to really talk. Conversations were held for more than 3 minutes of her insistent babbling. They matured into her gossiping and him, and denial was essential if this was to ever be repeated back to him, getting into the gossip. Like a fucking soap. Her life wasn't that interesting. Not enough to sober him up.

Cheerleaders did have a freakishly large amount of drama though.

He was realistically simple-minded in the sense that he liked to keep to himself and his own mind. So when this started to ensue at any given time, naturally he would have to cut in, (around the point, "Yeah! Jenna really did screw Dan! I was just as shocked as you are. What a tramp!"), by kissing her completely senseless.

He might win battles, but he was definitely losing the war. Even his shades sometimes if she had her way. And it was rare she didn't.

She was a damn good kisser.

iv.
I mean after all the things that we've been through
I mean after all the things we got into
Hey yo, I know of some things that you ain't told me
Hey yo, I did some things but that's the old me

He made mistakes. In fact, he was possibly the King of Mistake Makers. As habitual, stupidity tied into those mistakes, so if he adds them up and times the sum by the magnitude of his mistakes, Kelso was in a run for his money and crown.

They ranged anywhere from nurses to paranoia of an idiot to strippers. Those were the potentially more dangerous events in their relationship. Those had broken them up in the official form of the term.

But there were other things of course. Little things, like his fear of commitment, lack of money, and hatred of all things government-rooted. On her end, her skyscraper-high expectations, love of all things especially expensive (money itself–she could bathe in the stuff, if it were properly cleaned), and dire want of a fancy-shmancy wedding, preferably before she turned 23.

Maybe those issues weren't mistakes, and honestly, definitely not little things. They were things that had, well, torn them to shreds–apart from each other.

So Hyde had to think love just wasn't enough to cut it. You had to be perfect for each other to make it, right?

Well then, he berates himself as he sits sometimes wondering what he could have done differently to make it work–make Them part of the Now, tell that to my stupid, fuckin', aching heart, (and write it in a damn country song).

v.
Why does she be so mad at me for?
Homie, I don't know, she's hot and cold
I won't stop, won't mess my groove up
'Cause I already know how this thing go

Hyde had always sat back and greatly enjoyed the tiffs Jackie and Kelso got into when they were together. Before Hyde had lovingly pulled her right from under him. How could he resist? Kelso was such a goddamn boob. Jackie deserved better (on an off-day). Unfortunately, she would have to settle for him. She might think he's her Knight in Shining Armor (or had thought so), but she was wrong. He was a dirty, hippie burnout. But she loved him for it. So really, could anyone blame him for always taking his chances with her?

He wasn't like Kelso. He wouldn't give in first-thing to her evil demands. Kelso had always been putty in her tiny hands; Hyde was different. He knew how to put up a fight. That was usually a bad thing—them fighting—but he knew his limits and tried not to push it. She loved him mostly-unconditionally (mostly), so he was going to stand up to her and show her who was the man in the relationship.

In front of their friends, he would be Mr. Man, tell her straight up who wears the pants. She would always forgive his asshole-ish behavior in public for one simple reason:

Alone, he was her Puddin' Pop . . . and he fuckin' loved it. That fact would be taken to his grave, and really, how would it not? He wouldn't be that for anyone but her. Ever.

He misses it every day.

vi.
Talkin', talkin', talkin' talk
Baby let's just knock it off
They don't know what we been through
They don't know 'bout me and you

When Donna and Eric found them in the basement that day, it was more than a little disappointing. And annoying.

Why did the stupid Perfect Couple have to go and walk in on them? They ruined everything. Sure, it paid off as he did get to be with Jackie long-term, but still. It was so damn easy as a secret. And totally sexy. He knew Jackie loved it. She deserved (there's that word again, like you save her, or some nonsense shit) a little fun after being ditched by Kelso.

So even if it did pay off in the end, and it was a little relieving to not have to stop every time they thought they heard the doorknob turning, it was still annoying. Because then they couldn't really be together anyway. It was always "ew! ew! unnatural!" every time the pair saw Jackie and him together. He could be calling her a dirty skank and Forman would still accuse him of being nastily lovey-dovey.

They were not that creepy and unnatural. Forman sure is one to talk. He's got a totally hot babe completely out of his league and he was scolding him and Jackie's relationship of being out of the norm? Star Wars-freak could just go get bent because he knew Jackie and he were right. They were so damn right and nobody could convince them otherwise.

He really should've turned that confidence on himself. But he still knows they were right. They were oh, so right. And sexy. Oh, so naturally sexy.

vii.
So I got somethin' new to see
And you just gon' keep hatin' me
And we just gon' be enemies
I know you can't believe
I could just leave it wrong
And you can't make it right
I'm gon' take off tonight
Into the night

He knows it's up to him to make a move. He doesn't want things to be awkward and bad and bitter between them. It's just easier that way. Not being with her . . . hurts, so reasonably it's his job to make her hurt just as much, and more. She was the one who had to rush things on him, give him an ultimatum, scare him away to Stripper Land.

What was he doing?

Sulking around like a kicked puppy licking his wounds. That wasn't Hyde. Steven J. Hyde is tough, the embodiment of cool, true to the teachings of Zen and level-headedness. He wasn't acting it because of her, exactly what he'd said he wasn't doing.

Well he was going to fucking start. He would show Jackie just how wrong she was about him. He is not a moping loser. Forman is the one who would spend weeks in a depression from losing his girl. Hyde isn't that guy. Hyde is the kind of guy who picks himself up right then and there and gets his shit . . . for the next circle.

He can be a good guy.

He knows she's the only one who will notice any change in him. He knows she'll believe in him.

(He has a bit of convincing to do.)
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